On 17 August 2009, my eldest child Rebecca went into hospital to have her baby. It was her first baby. I was so excited. She had asked me to be her birth partner, along with her boyfirend Dan. I was over the moon and felt extremely honoured that Rebecca and Dan wanted me to be there.
The thought of seeing my first grandchild being born was a bit scary for me. I wasn't sure how I was going to cope with seeing my little girl going through the pain of childbirth. I knew it was going to be difficult yet the most amazing experience of my life, one I wouldn't have missed for the world.
I loved him instantly
Kobe arrived and was absolutely gorgeous. I loved him instantly. He was my grandson and I was so proud of him. I couldn't wait to show him off! I took photos, lots of photos, from every angle, every expression.
We went away for a few days to friends and ended up snowed in, then we got a phone call,
the hour journey took five and a half.
That is the moment that our world fell apart. I can still hear Rebecca and Dan screaming now. "Mum, my baby is dead. Help me. My baby is dead!" Then it was sheer panic. I remember not knowing what to say to them, I didn't believe them, but who would lie about something so terrible
In an instant, everything changed, forever
I can remember thinking that this is not real. It must be a nightmare. I will wake up in a minute. This can't really be happening. Everyone was so happy five minutes ago and, in an instant, everything just changed, forever. Nothing would ever be the same.
My beautiful grandson had gone
We were taken in to see him – my grandson. He was just lying there, looking peacefull and beautiful.
That's around the time when the police arrived at home. They needed to talk to Rebecca and Dan, to see where Kobe had died, to collect his bedclothes, to check that there was nothing suspicious – all apparently commonplace when a baby dies suddenly.
Oh my god. How were we going to tell everyone that Kobe had died? The perfectly healthy little boy was now dead!
How do you tell someone that?
The days and weeks that followed were a bit of a blur. We went through the motions – my other children … somehow, the funeral, the grief, trying to cope with life.
Childbirth was nothing compared to the pain I had to watch her endure
I found it really hard to see my child in so much pain. Childbirth was nothing compared to the pain I had to watch her endure since Kobe had died. I would have done anything to have taken the pain away, as any parent would.
Something I find hard to deal with is the feeling that I have lost my own son. I am grieving like he was mine. Well, he was, he was my grandson. Then I feel guilty because if I feel like this, then what on earth are my daughter and Dan feeling like? After all, he was their baby. I have to be strong for them but it seems like they are strong for me! Is that right?
I get comfort from his pictures... it’s all we have now
Kobe's picture sits on my lounge in pride of place, larger than life, and is a constant reminder of exactly how precious he was. I get comfort from his pictures and am glad that I took so many pictures of him. It’s all we have now.
I hope one day that I will overcome my fear of this happening again, so that my grandchildren will be able to pack their bags and come to stay with us one day. For now though, I feel as if I have been robbed.